I've been gone for a hot minute (more like almost 3 years) and now coming back I'm adding in another aspect of my life to this little corner - my motherhood journey. I've decided to post about breastfeeding as my first motherhood post as I feel that there is a lot of talk about pregnancy, labour but not enough about the breastfeeding journey (or not as readily available). I felt no one really talks about the struggles of breastfeeding. Saying breastfeeding is hard is an understatement - and this is my story on how I felt let down.
My goals and thoughts on breastfeeding before having Teddy
I knew at the back of my head it wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't realise how hard it was going to be. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy (main issues was back pain that meant I finished work early at 34 weeks instead of 36 weeks) so I assumed it would be the same with breastfeeding. I've been to hypnobirthing classes and lamaze classes that talked about pregnancy and labour in a very positive light; my body was built to deliver my baby. So I had the same idea in my head that my body was built to feed my son - so when I couldn't I felt my body had let me down, and I had let my son down.
I had always believed in breastfeeding was the best option, I never gave formula a thought. I was going to breastfeed my child to 1 year, and have enough frozen expressed milk to feed my son until he was 2 years. That was my goal. It never occurred to me that journey would be filled with so many bumps a and obstacles.
My journey at the start:
My milk did not come in until about day 5 - and I mean I had nadda - zilch - zippo. There was a lot of man handling of my breast on trying to latch and express by hand (from myself, different midwives and lactation consultant - some with conflicting information of whether there was anything there or not). Some nurses advised to supplement with formula until my milk come in, but then the next nurse on shift would advise against and say just keep trying to put baby to breast. I understand that "breast is beast", but I personally felt that they made it as if I was harming my child if I decided to supplement. I honestly felt that they were making formula to be the devil and I was a bad mother if I chose to give him formula. Teddy was crying all night as he was hungry and frustrated - he was sucking so hard to try to get some milk but sadly there was nothing there - not even colostrum.
The guilt and sadness of unable to birth my son naturally and now unable to feed him was real and it was a feeling of failure I've never experience before. By day 3, I still had nothing, my nipples were cracked and bleeding, the thought of putting Teddy to the breast made me cringe and I was in tears that my child had now lost 11% of his birth weight. It wasn't until I spoke to the lactation consultant she reassured me that it was very common for asian mothers not to have colostrum and for the milk not to come in until day 5 or even day 10. She advised me to give breastfeeding a rest for 24 hours so my nipples can heal, and use the pump so I can still get stimulation to hopefully bring my milk in, and in the mean time formula feed Teddy. Her words of encouragement "FED IS BEST".
That night on day 4, I tried pumping and a tiny bit of 10 mL both sides came out - I was over the moon. By the morning- I woke up and my breast felt rock hard and about to explode. I tried to put Teddy to the breast and I thought the latch was ok, it still hurt a bit but was better. I spent another one on one time with the lactation consultant to try out new ways of positioning to help with the latch. The one thing I didn't really understand was when she said "Do they feel soft now?". In my head was "Yeah, more so than before he fed", but looking back they were no where near as soft as they should be. They were still full, yet being a first time mum, I didn't know what they should feel like after a feed. They should be super squishy, one mum describes it as " there is pillow soft and pancake soft" - they should be pancake soft. I feel this is where I went wrong (among other things) that have now left me with being an under-supplier.
By the time we were discharged Teddy was being triple fed - breastfed (for at least 20 minutes on each side), given expressed milk ( I would express for 10 minutes after nursing and use that expressed milk for the following feed), and then supplement with formula. This meant a feeding session would take an hour or so, and I was doing this around the clock every 3 to 4 hours. Bruce my husband was a world of support, he would feed Teddy the express milk and then formula while I pumped. We continued to to this up until he was about 6 weeks - where it got to the point that I felt it was just too hard. I wanted to ideally wean off the formula but my milk supply never really increased and I needed to supplement about 60 mLs of formula each session. It was at that point I decided to switch to exclusively pumping.
I started to exclusively pump around the 6 week mark. I knew it would be hard, but the sadness of my son being at the breast, being frustrated due to what I believe is my slow flow and/or low supply broke my heart. At this point everyone was trying to be supportive - asking how I was going and how my supply was - but deep down that constant checking in was just a reminder that I was unable to feed my son. I remember one person had ask me how much I have been pumping, and my answer was "I'm pumping only 50mL per session", their response - a flick of their head away, a giggle and an OMG. They weren't trying to be mean, but just surprise of my low supply after all that effort and time I had spent pumping and all I got was 50 mL. I put on my strong faced and brushed it off, but that night i basically cried myself to sleep.
Where I got to:
At around 4 months old, I reduced my pumping scheduled to 6 times day (I was pumping 8 times a day until the 12 weeks mark as that was when everyone said my supply would regulate). I was recording every pumping session and I managed to increase my supply from 300mL over 24 hours to about 450mLs (meaning I was able to offer my son 3 bottles of breastmilk a day, and supplemented with about 2-3 bottles a day. At that point, I stopped recording every pumping session, (I tried to aim about 450mL per day (it was sometimes less and sometimes more but in general it was around 450mL). I had a strict pumping schedule of every 2.5 - 3 hours, that was then relaxed to about 2-5 hours - as long as I generally get 6 pumps in that day. Being flexible in the time between my pumping meant I was able to leave the house more freely without worrying about what time I needed to be home to pump.
At this point I was still learning about pumping and how my body responds to the pump. It was probably only at the 4-5 month mark that I really noticed what my let down reflex felt like. Everywhere I read it was tingling sensation or a warmth - and I didn't feel that. Mine was a little itch, where I felt I needed to scratch my nipples, and I don't always feel it. I also experience vasospasm between my pumps that at times is quite painful. To help combat that - breast warmers between pumps. I have also since learnt that I have a very slow flow (or simply do not respond well to breast pumps) - so the standard advice to only pump 10-20 minutes didn't work for me, nor the advice to pump 5 minutes past you only have drops left. My super slow flow meant most of the time I only get drops, and it meant I needed 30 to 40 minutes to empty. I believe a combination of not knowing what empty feels like, so therefore not pumping enough escalated my low milk supply issues (lesson learnt for when/ breastfeeding/pumping for baby no. 2). I would pump for 30-40 minutes, and if I have the time (i.e. Teddy is nappping, or someone else is watching him) I would do a power pump).
My goal was to get to the 6 month mark. I rationed my breast milk - I froze 1 of my 3 bottles so when I gave up pumping I would still have a supply to get him to 1 year. I have read that it takes about 50mLs of breast milk a day for them to get the benefits.
In the end, when I was weaning down from 3 pumps per day to 2 pumps per day I got mastitis - being a pharmacist, a read about it, knew about it in theory, but experiencing it first hand was next level. I needed antibiotics, luckly no surgical drainage. But that event basically killed the little supply I had so I decided to just stop pumping all together. At that point I was at the 8 month mark, so a reached my goal of 6 months of pumping and had enough of a stash to give Teddy a bottle of breastmilk a day until he was one (he had his last bottle of breast milk on his first birthday).
I have accepted that I am an under supplier and I'm okay with that. I'm not going to lie, at times I felt down that I don't produce enough to feed my son exclusively but then I remind myself that he is a happy, healthy, fed baby, that doesn't care what he is being fed.
I found a really lovely facebook community dedicated to exclusively pumping mums that are under-suppliers. They provided support and opened my eyes that I'm not alone and it is quite common.
To all those mums out there: here's to you. Whether you are an under supplier, over supplier, a just enougher or you have decided to formula feed your child exclusively you are a great mum. There needs to be more support for each other no mater which route we chose - FED IS BEST.
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